| 'cause i can dish it out, but i can't take it. |
[6:56pm on 110911] |
i think i have been asleep for most of my life.
everyone is less mysterious than they think they are.
i don't need an ice cream cone. You know, here's a little something to make you happy, something sweet, that melts in five minutes. I'm completely cool with anything you need to say.
you and i have a special talent, and i saw it immediately. we're the substitute people. i've been the substitute person my whole life. i'm not a ellen, i never wanted to be a ellen, and i'm not a cindy either.
i like being alone too much. i like it that way, it's a lot less pressure.
i'm not used to girls like you
it's because i'm one of a kind.
you don't have to make a joke. i like you without the jokes.
doesn't it feel better to know that you didn't do something impulsive?
hey, now we actually have a chance of being friends.. for the rest of our lives.
i'm impossible to forget but i'm hard to remember.
i'm just going to say what we're not saying right now, and let the chips fall where they may. i may be embarrassing myself, but i'm just going to say it. iiii LIKE you!
oh come on. you know there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things may not be greater than just black and white.
i will miss your lips and everything attached to them.
just tell me you love me and get it over with !
now will you stop trying to break up with me? you're always trying to break up with me and we're not even together.
it takes time to extract joy from life.
You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery.
enjoy it, embrace it, discard it.
and proceed.
don't worry your mind, they're only words.
some music needs air. open up your windows.
sadness is easier because it's surrender.
i say, make time to dance alone, with one hand waving free.
You're kind of great, you.
you're kind of amazing.
oh, elizabethtown♥
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| Honduras, Central America. |
[8:55pm on 060307] |
I feel so lucky to have stumbled upon this program. I arbitrarily decided to attend an MCAT review session in which a representative from the company INQUARTA spoke and passed out brochures. In the corner of the brochure, there was a link to Global Medical Brigades. I don't know what my expectations were, for it was like a vague dream that I was working towards. I didn't know what I was doing, as I felt like a blind person trying to guide. I went down the check-list provided, knowing there was so much more to it. I felt inadequate, doubtful, and bothered. No matter what we tried, we could not get doctors. We applied for a grant, but were never able to contact the company. Things were looking dire, but with the encouragement and support from Steve, GMB west coast representative, we were convinced that we could do more with determination than we could with defeat. We shared passion and a common goal: to distribute health care to those living in impoverished areas of Honduras. Soon enough, things started to fall into place in the last few weeks with medicine and medical donations, as well as the successful purchase of airline tickets (thanks to the hard work of my teammates).
It didn't hit me that we were actually going until we were on the plane. Even then, I didn't fully realize what a miracle it was. It was such a life-changing experience because of how amazing the Global Medical Brigades program is. That along with the team that I had—for I could not have asked for a better one—allowed the trip to reach its full potential. They were all hard-working, optimistic, and good sports. We all got along great, and I wish I could preserve everything that made up this trip to save for later. We were spoiled, for we stayed in a newly built facility in the compound, were served spectacular food, supplied plenty of clean drinking water, had laundry done for us free of charge, and had a personal driver drive us around in a comfortable tour bus.
Even after talking with others about the brigades and seeing plenty of pictures, being there was a whole different story. To any normal person looking from the intake to triage and triage to pharmacy, he or she would see chaos.. in Spanish. Within the chaos, however, there resided learning, improvements, communication, and connections. Giving the people of the village what they needed health-wise, as well as just interacting with them alone, was incredibly fulfilling and indescribable. In 48 hours, we impacted the lives of 1,411 people on our first two brigades. The traveling with barely any sleep, the sweat and mosquitoes, the nights spent counting, packing, and labeling pills, were finally all worth it.
I learned so much about myself and other things outside of myself than I ever have or ever thought I would. It's like thinking the earth is all there is, and then suddenly learning that there is a whole entire universe that stretches far beyond what your little mind can even imagine; that our world is only "a speck within a speck on a speck." It's a rush, it's a thrill, it's a high, and it's what I live for. Moments like that, places like Honduras, people like those I was working with and for, people that are self motivated and have good hearts—these are the things I live for.
Among the many bus rides, I would sit and stare out the window and think about how I was enjoying every second of the experience. I could not imagine anywhere else I'd rather be, and I thought about how amazing it made me feel, and how great the essence of the whole trip was. It was hot and humid, but being frazzled all the time was almost refreshing—and we embraced it. Although the rain was late this year, it did begin drizzling one night, and it was beautiful. Hands down, the nights in Honduras are my favorite. They actually feel like what summer should really be: cool yet still warm, quiet and calm under a deep blue night sky..Sounds of crickets, footsteps crunching on the gravel, and fans buzzing in the night. Looking out the window to see miles and miles of endless green, endless trees, and endless hills. We each desperately wanted to inhale and soak it all in, and to store each sight, every feeling, smell, taste, emotion, experience, all inside a box and lock it up for later admiration.
My only wish is to have everyone experience Honduras. To really taste it, to know what it feels like and how it makes you feel, how it changes you. You think you know exactly what to expect because it's all written down on paper, the experiences people have and the type of people they see. You see numbers and figures and you say, "Wow that's impressive." But you don't truly know the gift of giving and helping another human life. The satisfaction from the impact you have after you leave is like leaving your fingerprint on the world. Each action has an opposite or equal reaction, like a ripple effect across the pond. My group and I were fortunate enough to be a part of this movement. It's liberating, it's worthwhile, and it's the essence of life. Global Medical Brigades is truly your way to impact the world, so take advantage of it.
P.S. i love honduras.
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| Like vines, we intertwine. |
[11:28pm on 011007] |
I was a mess. I'm still exhausted. And there are so many thoughts running through my head. I'm not sure how to organize or differentiate between them anymore. Emotions take their toll on my practicality in random bursts, yet always fades away.. and i am left with an unsatiated yearning for importance or appeasement. His excuses leave me feeling quite dry and burdened. I was looking for a way out, where yesterdays seem like a blurred dream among dark shadows. His violent kiss, passionate touch, raw lust, and brutal lies. They flash by like a horror film that I cannot help but watch in a state of paralyzed shock. I was left with chapped lips and he left me feeling dirty. I wish I could report every feeling and moment with utter precision, but I live in these fragments, touching and tasting, surviving and sleeping, running and aching, and feeling the wind prick at my face.. textures and smells and contrasting lights. life is just a mess of different collages.
Sometimes I just want to forget all of the anger, the grudges, and the cautious conscience, and just be happy. Do happy things, be a happy person, and treat others like there's nothing wrong. And although I believe I am getting there, for the most part becoming a happy person, sometimes it doesn't feel like life is made for happiness.
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| this entry portrays the inner shopaholic in me. |
[8:55pm on 123006] |
i'm so flat broke. here's my wish list anyway.
♥Tiffany's..
+mesh ring.
+atlas ring.
+open heart earrings.
+Pea Coat.
+A nice scarf.
+Business vest.
+Yoga Pants.
The first boy who buys me Tiffany's, i promise, i will probably fall in love with you. Gosh I can't stop shopping. And I've officially also become a shoe whore. I bought four pairs of shoes [one pair of flats, one pair of pumas, and two pairs of heels] in one month. that's just not healthy. i usually only buy two pairs of shoes per 6 months. My excuse? uhm, stress?
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